Grief: Do men and women grieve differently?

The loss of a baby is one of the most painful experiences that can happen to a family. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, a day to dedicated to recognize and support moms and families who have lost a baby. If your baby died during pregnancy or after birth, you and your partner need time to grieve.

Everyone grieves in his own way. Men and women often show grief in different ways. Even if you and your partner agree on lots of things, you may feel and show your grief differently.

Different ways of dealing with grief may cause problems for you and your partner. For example, you may think your partner isn’t as upset about your baby’s death as you are. You may think he doesn’t care as much. This may make you angry. At the same time, your partner may feel that you’re too emotional. He may not want to hear about your feelings so often and may think you’ll never get over your grief. He also may feel left out of all the support you’re getting.

Women have a special bond with their baby during pregnancy. But men may not feel as close to their baby. Men don’t carry the baby in their body, so the baby may seem less real to them. A man may become more attached to the baby later in pregnancy when he feels the baby kick or sees the baby on an ultrasound.

In general, here’s how women may show their grief:

• They may want to talk about the death of their baby often and with many people.
• They may show their feelings more often. They may cry or get angry a lot.
• They may be more likely to ask their partner, family or friends for help. Or they may go to their place of worship or to a support group.

In general, here’s how men may show their grief:

• They may grieve by themselves. They may not want to talk about their loss. They may spend more time at work or do things away from home to keep from thinking about the loss.
• They may feel like they’re supposed to be strong and tough and protect their family. They may not know how to show their feelings. They may think that talking about feelings makes them seem weak.
• They may try to work through grief on their own rather than ask for help.

It’s OK to show your pain and grief differently than your partner. Be patient and caring with each other. Try to talk about your thoughts and feelings and how you want to remember your baby.

If you or someone you know has lost a baby, visit our online community, Share Your Story. This can be a place of comfort and support for grieving families.